


This Is Heartbreak

by jlstreck



Series: Avengers One Shots [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky remembers, Feels, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, i promise it's not as bad as the name implies, ignoring everything after that, well kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:56:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7104325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlstreck/pseuds/jlstreck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>13 months after DC, Bucky is still regaining his memories. Sometimes he wishes he could forget them. <br/>If only he knew they weren't always pieced together correctly.</p><p>Inspired by Keywest's "This is Heartbreak"</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Heartbreak

**Author's Note:**

> This evil piece of madness has been tormenting me for nearly two weeks. It was finally either get it written and done with or go mad in the process.

Bucky watched Steve, felt his heart cracking even as his mind screamed at him to follow orders.

 

“You’re my friend.” Steve stared at him, all earnest sincerity. Sad blue eyes refusing to look away, refusing to let him go.

 

“Then why won’t you try?” Bucky asked, pushing for an answer he wasn’t sure he wanted. “You’ve never let a stupid thing like rules and regulations stand in your way before. Why not go for what you want?” He felt his heart tense, ready to be shattered into a million broken pieces all depending on Steve’s answer.

 

Blue eyes looked sad as they stared back at him. “Not without good reason, and there’s not this time.” Steve shook his head, staring down at the glass in front of him. “It’s not love Buck. Never was. Never will be.”

 

“But …”

 

Bucky gasped for breath, felt the tears streaming down his face as he scrambled out of the bedroll and into the corner. Eyes frantically searching small room in the corner of a run down abandoned warehouse. It wasn’t full light yet, just the first dim light of morning starting to filter in through the filthy, broken windows well above his head.

 

Bringing his knees to his chest, Bucky tried to slow his breathing. Like so many memories he’d regained over the last thirteen months, this one seemed determined to break his heart over and over again. It was like his mind wanted to make sure each new memory cemented itself firmly in place, unable to be stolen again. Sometimes it was days, other times it was weeks with a given memory haunting him every time he closed his eyes.

 

He only wished this one could have been days. Instead it was 17 straight days of waking up, feeling the same heartbreak like it had just happened. It was hard to believe the terrors of his days as HYDRA’s best weapon paled in comparison to the pain of hearing Steve say he didn’t love him night after endless night.

 

Distracted by his thoughts, Bucky didn’t hear the footsteps approaching. A gasp from the door made him jump, hand reaching for a weapon that was just out of reach even as he looked to identify the source of the noise.

 

“Steve?” Bucky stared up at the source of his broken heart, confused about why the blond held his shield in front of him, inching forward as if approaching a skittish animal. “What’re you doing here?” His voice trembled.

 

“Been looking for you since the helicarrier, Buck. You didn’t make it easy.” Steve edged forward, eyes never leaving Bucky’s. “You okay?”

 

Bucky swiped at the tears in his eyes, trying to reconcile the memory of Steve telling him he’d never loved him with what Steve was saying now. Nothing made sense. The timelines didn’t fit.

 

“But why? When?” Bucky rubbed his temples. “I don’t understand. It doesn’t make sense.”

 

“What doesn’t make sense?” Steve took another cautious step forward.

 

“Why you’re looking for me. Why you’re here.” He shook his head, the image of Steve telling him he never loved him playing on repeat. “You said it all already. You don’t want me. I get it.” He felt another crack in his heart as he spoke the words. “You don’t have to act like you care.”

 

“What?” He watched as Steve’s step faltered, brows furrowing in confusion. “I didn’t … I never … who the fuck told you I didn’t want you?”

 

“You did. I remember it,” Bucky shook his head, refusing to believe Steve’s denial. “You told me you were my friend, but that you didn’t want me like that. You couldn’t love me … you never did.”

 

“When, Buck? When did I tell you that?” Steve stumbled onto his knees, less than two feet from Bucky.

 

“The memory is confusing. You were in your Captain American uniform, but then you weren’t. Instead you were in the brown uniform from the war. I … I don’t know, but …”

 

Steve reached out for him, but let his arm fall when Bucky tried to scoot further into the corner.

 

“I don’t remember everything. A lot still comes in pieces, in dreams, but it’s coming back. The way things were before the war, the commandos, HYDRA, all of it. It’s bits and pieces and flashes of things that can keep me up for days.” Bucky was rambling, not sure why he felt the need to tell Steve so much.

 

“Buck, please listen to me.” Steve was blinking back tears, hands balled in fists atop his thighs as he stayed kneeling on the floor. “I said you were my friend on the helicarrier because I couldn’t fight you. I had to do what I did to save lives, but beyond that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt you. As for the other, I’ve never told you I don’t want you. Never said I couldn’t love you. Certainly never said it in either of my uniforms.”

 

“But … you said it. We were in some bombed out bar and you said, ‘It’s not love Buck. Never was. Never will be.’ I … it …”

 

Bucky watched as recognition flitted onto Steve’s gaze. “Oh, Buck.” The blond surged forward, pulling Bucky into his chest so quickly that he couldn’t stop him. “I said that too you, not about you. I think your mind is crossing memories in the process of trying to put everything back together.”

 

“You … wait … what?” Bucky didn’t fight Steve’s hold. Closing his eyes he inhaled the oddly familiar scent, let himself soak in the warmth of strong arms that felt both foreign and familiar all at the same time. Could Steve be right? Why would he be here like this if what Bucky thought he remembered was true.

 

“Buck, please. Come home with me. Let me try to help you. Bruce and Tony will help. As best we can we’ll help you figure out what’s true and what’s not. Especially the memories that I’m part of.”

 

“Steve …” Bucky couldn’t figure out what to say, how to tell him that yes he wanted all of that. Part of him still felt ripped apart from the supposedly false memory. “I can’t do this alone.”

 

“Not alone, Buck. Never alone.” Steve murmured against his ear. “I’ve loved you since we were teenagers in Brooklyn. Nothing’s gonna change that. After all, I’m with ya ‘til the end of the line.”

 

Bucky felt a small smile sneak across his face at those familiar words. His heart still hurt from being shattered at the remembered words, but he felt some sense of hope that Steve was right. Maybe together they could figure out the right version of the memories.

 

“Love you too, punk.” Bucky whispered into Steve’s shoulder as he finally gave in and wrapped his arms around the blond. “Hope you know what you’re getting yourself into.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't hate me :( Either way, comments are always very welcome or you can pop over and say hello on [Tumblr.](http://jlstreck.tumblr.com/)


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